For Chuck

[already_lost]

It came to her in flashes, these dreams that lingered in her mind throughout the day. They weren't the nightmares that plagued her in her teens, leaving her gripped by terror and afraid to be alone at night. They weren't the dreams she used to have of the red room, of the old man in the suit, her lips brushing his ear.

I know who killed me...

These weren't dreams at all, she thought. They were memories, though she couldn't be sure that they were her own.

She remembered a room, leeched of color. Vaulted ceilings. A woman with a round face and glittering jewels in her hair. A tall man, his face gaunt and expressionless. She recalled the feeling of bright, blinding joy, and crushing, hollow ache of loss. She recalled the utter, chaotic destruction of an atom bomb, and the pain of rebirth after. Shades of grey and searing, beauteous gold.

The chaos of her living room, dirty and disordered in a way Sara Palmer never allowed it to be... and the constant, warbling scratch of a needle across vinyl.

She woke with a gasp, in the small hours of the morning, the taste of cigarette ash on her tongue. She sat, clutching at her throat, unsure whether the sound she made was an anguished sob or the clanging bell of hysterical laughter.

Comments

[hadtheshot]

Chuck has never been a heavy sleeper. Before, back home, he couldn't afford to be; there was always the chance of an attack during the night, requiring him to be up and alert as quickly as possible. Darrow has no such danger, at least not most of the time, but old habits die hard. At the sound of a noise, a voice, beside him, he stirs quickly, a quiet groan in his throat as he rolls over and blinks in the darkness.

"Laura?" he asks, his voice still a little hoarse with sleep. It sounds like she's crying, or maybe laughing, or both. He can't tell, but it's concerning all the same, and he doesn't think twice about it before he sits up beside her, frowning. She's seen some fucked up things, he knows, so maybe it was just a bad dream, but it doesn't really matter so much what the cause is if this is the result. "Hey, what's going on?"

[already_lost]

Gasping for breath, she turned to look at him with wild eyes, her mouth stretched into an eerie grimace. In her ears, she heard the echo of her own screams, and the wails of BOB... of her father, over taking them.

"I... I don't know. I don't know. I was... I was dreaming, and I..." She laughed, again, pressing the heels of her hands to damp eyes.

[hadtheshot]

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Chuck says, though he doesn't really know if that's the case. She said she was dreaming, which means that's hopefully all that's responsible for the state she's currently in, but that isn't much of a description. It's the best he can do, though, for the moment, shifting a little so he can twist and try to face her in the darkness, one hand resting gently, questioningly against her shoulder, ready to pull away if she doesn't want to be touched right now.

"You're here now, alright?"

[already_lost]

"Don't! Don't touch me," she hissed, jerking away from his hand on instinct. Later, she would regret it, the cruelty and thoughtlessness of it, but such a thing was beyond her in that moment.

"Just don't touch me, Chuck."

Shuffling towards the edge of the bed, she set her feet on the floor, sitting there hunched over with her face in her hands as she struggled to catch her breath.

[hadtheshot]

"Okay, okay, sorry," Chuck says quickly, pulling back from her in one abrupt movement, his hands held out in front of him even though she isn't looking in his direction. He's not always sure if Laura is unpredictable or if he's just really terrible at this. Regardless, now isn't the time to try to work it out one way or the other, not when she's upset and he's still a little groggy from having been woken up.

He takes a deep breath, eyes fixed on the line of her back in the dim light of the bedroom. What, if anything, he might be able to do here, he has no idea, but just sitting here doesn't seem like it will do much good. "I can go get you some water or something, if you want."

[already_lost]

"I just need a minute," she said, clutching a hand at her chest as she sat hunched on the edge of the bed, her shoulders rising and falling with each breath.

Finally, she stood, motioning for him to stay where he was as she shuffled unsteadily to the bathroom. There, she splashed water on her face, cupping her hand under the faucet and drinking from her palm.

She didn't look at herself in the mirror.

[hadtheshot]

"Alright," Chuck says as she gets up, nodding a little to himself and watching her go. In the ensuing quiet, he reaches over to turn on the small lamp beside the bed, then takes a few deep breaths, pushing his hands back through his tousled hair. It never sits well with him, feeling helpless, not being able to do anything, but then, it has only been a few minutes since he woke up at all. He doesn't even know yet what prompted this. Maybe when she comes back, he'll be able to get a better idea of it.

For the time being, he waits, trying to ignore the instinctive hint of frustration he feels. It won't do either of them any good.

[already_lost]

Minutes later, Laura came back into the room and leaned against the doorframe, arms folded across her chest. She felt suddenly petty and childish, frustrated with herself, but also with him. With everything. With her own mind, and her inability to understand it.

"I'm going home. I want to sleep in my own bed."

[hadtheshot]

If there's anything Chuck could have been expecting, it isn't that. He blinks at her, and a moment later, he pulls himself to his feet, though he's not sure why. He's not going to try to stop her if she wants to go. It's just that he has no idea what the hell has just happened, and although he can't make her talk to him if she doesn't want to, he can't pretend it's not blindsiding, either.

Part of him thinks that it's no wonder, when he knows he's no good at this shit. They've made it this far, though, and that's not for nothing. All he can really do is try.

"Okay," he says, slow and a little confused and not trying to hide it. "If that's what you want."

[already_lost]

She knew exactly what she was doing, setting traps for him to fall into, and she hated herself for it. But that didn't mean she could make herself stop.

"Fine," she said breezily, striding through the apartment and stooping to snatch a slouchy sweatshirt off of the floor and yanking it on over the top of her nightie.

[hadtheshot]

Chuck huffs out a sigh, tired and exasperated and confused. Laura has always, at times, been difficult to predict or understand. He's used to that, he's alright with it, but that doesn't make a situation like this any less frustrating, with her having told him she wants to leave and now seeming like he's answered wrong, or something. As much as he doesn't want her to go, though — hell, all he really wants to do is help, somehow — it wouldn't seem right to try to make her stay.

No matter what he does, he suspects, it's going to be wrong.

After a moment, he follows her a few paces, though he lingers back in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "I don't know what else you want me to say," he says, shrugging helplessly.

[already_lost]

"I don't want you to say anything, Chuck. I just want to go home," she said, pulling on a pair of leggings and stepping into her Keds tennis shoes.

"I'll call you tomorrow," she said, slipping into the living room and sitting on the arm of a chair while she rummaged in her purse, double-checking to make sure she had everything important.